Where the dark things live and then the light
First, let me say that I am still here on the planet. That’s a good beginning. Second, let me also say that I am feeling better without the aid of any drugs or booze – and that means I have had to go through mental detox on the power of my own mind. The fumes of my will power to claw my way to the light. Dramatic isn’t it? Well that is how I felt. I could not figure out why I was feeling the way I was – I understand a bit more now, but suffice it to say that it all is being revealed to me through an eye dropper, much like JJ Abrams feeds us plot changes on LOST.
The wedding that I spoke about over a month ago is the root of this problem – or rather the root of the awakening that stirred the beast. But I realized through observation and people’s behavior that it was not only me that had been affected, others too where struggling in their own to either repress the feelings or deal with them out right – as ugly or as pretty as they were.
My husband was right all along — I was obsessing over a group of kids that I connected with over 15 years ago as their teacher – each of them triggering something good and bad deep inside me. One of them in particular had crippled my brain and it wasn’t until I spent time with him on the phone that I realized that his pain was greater than mine, that the others had used that moment in time to spring forward and those of us that had some unsolved issues used to to spiral backwards to recreate a happy time in our lives. For me, I retreated to that time – hoping to pick up that feeling that I had when I was there – carefree, responsibility free and just tied to the comings and going of a ferry. That is a far cry from my life now, although rich with friends and fun full of tethering – jobs, clients and the company.
I felt myself retreating and had no idea why and felt myself ignoring the voice in my head that was yelling at me to stop – to wake up to keep moving in the daylight but i ran to the darkness – where I feel most people live. I hid from the mirror cause i didn’t want to see what was in there. This combined with the demands of clients, old friends and just life in general made a messy layer cake.
The kid from 15 years go I realized was doing that same – his only worse – buried in booze, drugs and a sick penchant for destruction and no personal commitments at the same time was connecting like crazy to everyone via MySpace – while verbally dissing connections and commitments, he was seeking solace back on the island where times were gentler – from his actually pretty decent career. Tough on the outside, crumbling on the inside.
That was one of the problems – I wanted to fix it as I had so many times when I was his teacher but his demons were worse than mine and thankfully, I took the beating I gave myself and woke up. Only to find myself staring right in the mirror and not liking what I saw. I still don’t know what our decision is about moving or what tomorrow will bring but I do know that I like the light and I don’t like living in the dark and thats a start.
A friend that I love a lot wrote me an email and the thing that makes this so special is that he doesn’t say much. He’s young – 26 and actually has never really had close friends that he claims to love (me being his first) and he wrote me this email in my darkest time. Reading it I was sobbing, because i could feel that it was okay to be vulnerable and let someone know you needed help.
Here is is letter. And I know he doesn’t read this blog, but I want to thank him from the bottom of my heart for writing the words that touched me and helped me move into the light. 
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Jennifer!!! Don’t feel bad for writing me about your feelings – it sounds like you feel bad enough as is ; ) Plus, I asked to hear how you were doing, not to hear that you were doing great…..
I am sad for you that you are in such a “dark place.” It must have taken a lot for you to be so positive in the beginning of your email, and it tells that the real Jennifer is still in there fighting to get out of that dark place. I’m sure your friends have been consoling you and trying to make you feel better, so I will try to help not through sympathy, but honesty – that is the most respect I can give anyone…….as you said in your email, it is your sense of self that has been hurt, but why do you think that is? Is it because you were selling a part of yourself every extra minute you endured this pain? Were you telling a voice within you to just take one more bullet, to keep quiet for just one more day, one more minute so that you could continue? That sick to your stomach feeling you have is the same feeling I had when I learned about my ex-girlfriend and my former close friend, a guy who I used to think of as a brother. I know you are thinking the situations are different, and they are on the surface, but not at the core. I too was devastated that I gave so much and they cared so little. That I misjudged their character so badly, that I told that voice within me to remain quiet so that I could try to make the relationship work. I betrayed myself, just as you did keeping quiet, and it hurts worse than anything because you cannot escape yourself, you can’t keep dodging the mirror…….
But look how things have changed for me. Look how much better my life is since I crawled out of that dark place. Look at the opportunity you now have – to become even stronger by LEARNING from your mistake. So what if you severely misjudged people? The complexities of a human being are practically infinite. How many people walk around every single day being nothing but a hollow shell of their true self? How many of these people have become so good at creating a surface personality, that they no longer know who they are or when their true self died? How many people killed that voice within them a long time ago? Those are the people that are truly ashamed of themselves, and those are the people who will forever hate the mirror. These are people that lie to themselves every morning that they wake up, and these are people that make up most of the world. You are in such a dark place because you feel what they feel right now, and you can’t stand it. That is a sign of strength, not weakness. You can’t live hating yourself, unlike so many people. It’s because you have pride (I told you that was a stupid deadly sin) and you value yourself that is causing you to hurt so bad. It is your betrayal of that pride and those values that has put you in a dark place….
I know you will come out of this even stronger because of the fact that you are so hurt right now. If you accepted and allowed this pain, then I would be scared, but you are fighting it. I know it is an ugly fight, and there are many moments of self-doubt, but you must accept that you made the mistake of not listening to yourself when things started to go wrong, and you must have the courage in the future to obey that inner voice. You should not be ashamed that you made this mistake because it is a very difficult mistake to avoid – the mistake of self-immolation (Thank Ms. Rand for that word). Most people gave that fight up a long time ago. You are one of the people who inspire to win this fight. You inspired me. You know this fight, and there is nothing to be ashamed about if you finally got knocked down. The only shame would be in not getting up. That’s what most people don’t understand, and that is why many feel unhappy but they don’t know why – because they quit that fight a long time ago. In the future you will recognize this dark fucking enemy, and you will make the right decision. You will listen to yourself and your values and you will obey them. You will trust yourself. You have been doing it your whole life, and now you know what it feels like when you don’t.
So try not to feel so bad because you made a mistake we all make – we are all human. Feel good about the fact that you are strong enough to fight this and you know that you will win, unlike most people. Accept your mistake and know you will fight harder the next time. Accept that it is a fight, and sometimes you will get knocked down, but know you can win. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks because each one of us is fucked up in our own way, whether we show it or not – we all have moments where we get knocked down. So go do the things that make you feel truly happy – being with the right people, using your abilities, and, of course, hanging with Henry. Fuck the deadly sins – be proud of who of you are!
I hope this helps. I know it helped me because I felt it is the truth. “And the truth shall set you free….” : )
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